Jesus said to the disciples, “Keep awake therefore, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming. But understand this: that if the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore, you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour.” Matthew 24:42-44 Retrieved from Here.

Of course at the forefront of my mind after I’ve read this several times is Tuesday’s episodes, and all I keep in my mind is that I knew it was coming, and yet still wasn’t quite prepared for it. Oh, I recovered enough to take authority over it, but I didn’t do so forcefully enough during the first episode to prevent the other three from occuring? Or that I didn’t take enough time during my evening prayers to ask for protection from things I knew were going to occur at some point. I slacked off on things I knew were going to occur, what kind of watchman does that make me into for something as uncertain as the coming of my Lord?

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I have been tinkning of various ways to break my discernment process to my parents. Some of my thoughts flit to Boundless.org which counsels and advises inter-/non- denominational Christians on how to live purely in God while being away at the office or colleges. Some of the advice is about how to “get” a husband, and I have thought of how one such article might be applicable to informing family members of my discernment of entering a vocation. Other thoughts switch to a website that I was reading last week about a Sister who left her mother’s apartment one day leaving everything and a note behind. The note informed her mother that by the time the letter is read the Sister would have entered a convent, because the mother herself was against such a religious life although she somewhat believed in God.

I would hate to have to do that. I want so much for myself to be supported in my search and discernment of a vocation, but know that is not a reality. In fact, I could easily do as that Sister had done, but first I would like to move out of my home to do so. But how would it affect everyone (i.e., Mom, Dad, my sister, and Gramma)? I know that regardless of how I would execute leaving for a convent, I will lose the support of my family. It is not a question of “if” but “when.”

Enough melancholy ideas for now though. Other things are brewing, such as my prayer life. Last night during my evening prayers I felt Christ’s Prescence in my room. It wasn’t anything spectacular, just a realization that Someone was there in the room with me spiritually. I “dared” to stand in His prescence, rising from my prayerful position to make a request of Him. I feel that I now know that when I meet Him once I pass, that I will not back away from Him, as has often been my fear in the last few months, as I felt unworthy. But now I know that I will be so bold as to stand.

Classes began today, so I drove Monkey and myself to campus. I gave her about an hour’s tour showing her where I will meet up with her for the trams in the evening, how to add discretionary funds to her card, where to go for computer labs, etc. She said she felt overwhelmed, but she’s pretty lucky, since she’s got me to show her around and help out. She knows it.

I had one class already today, at 12, and another at 4pm. The first class was taught by the professor who hosted the Family in a Changing Society lecture last semester, and I am really looking foward to this semester. The class looks at population demographics and trends in the US and globally. Our fiinal project entails collecting and analysing data for a randomly selected California county. It should be plenty interesting, with some students being new, and others from last semesters’ class. My other class I have yet to attend, and it is Advanced Child Development. In Fall 2005 I took Child Development with Manis, and this year I thought that further study would be good for me, as I plan on an MFT.

I’ve seen some people from a distance today around campus. Already I’ve had lunch with a friend, and seen others walking to classes. The first friend I ran into was Carrie, and I love my “chance” meetings with her, always leave me happy. I love running into my friends, but I get an extra lift when I know they are Christian. I am looking forward to this semester because of my classes, and the chances to get to know my friends even better. There are always challenges such as dermatology appointments, future spiritual director meetings, and Opus Dei nights at the Center.

I still have the skills — getting lectured and keeping my mouth shut. Why is it that I can keep my mouth shut when I’m already in trouble to avoid more trouble, but not to keep me out of all trouble? Mom had some valid points, but I wanted to laugh when she said that toning down on the Christianity would be in my interest. Haha, really now, how am I to accomplish her valid point of being less judgmental if I don’t follow that Christian attribute? Or patience? or a quiet mind? I pointed this out to Dad, he didn’t seem pleased that the lecture had backfired in that regard. Leveling off on Christianity might make my household more comfortable, but I’m not about to do so. Nor am I about to do other things that mom mentioned. This was about a week ago, though.

Added two Catholic books to my collection: Hostage to the Devil and The Origins of Satan. And one fiction novel. Mom got tired of that, too, but I’d rather have an irate mom and a clean mind, than a happy mom and dirty mind. It keeps my list of sins down for when it comes to my next confession, when ever that is…

Speaking of religion … I really need someone to tell me how I can tell this guy Steve that I do not, and may not be able, to date him. I could leave him hanging with ” I’m single, but it’s complicated” How do I explain that I pray for chastity daily? I don’t have to tell him that, but he needs to be told that I’m not interested in dating. The least of my worries will be my parents asking why I didn’t date him — he doesn’t want to go to school and is a chain smoker. That’s reason enough for them.

I think I have made myself somewhat miserable over the past few days. Not all of it is my fault, but I can’t really do much than think of how unworthy I am of all that God had done for me, least of all His holy sacrifice.

This guy/man at work likes me; I need to find a way to tell him that we can only be friends. I want to belong solely to God.

This sense of wanting to belong only to God, is what I want, and I don’t know if it is what God wants of me. There is a difference in that that I percieve, but in an email with a Sister about discernment she told me that what I really want for myself, is also what God wants of me. I don’t know about that; there is so much in this world that we want for ourselves that God does not will for us. Sure, this is not of the world, but how am I to know if I am not fleeing from duties that God has planned for me?

How am I to do this without familial support? I know I dwell on this so much, that I complain and bemoan it so much. Its so crucial. But I haven’t told them. I just know that my family doesn’t support me by two things they’ve done: (1) ignore the man in the family who did become a priest, and (2) make derisive comments and insults at those I know who have given their life to God. I too, merit those comments, although they don’t know that. It’s very hurtful.

But there is so much else that I don’t have full support for, that it should be second nature by now. Oh, they financially support me and all that jazz, but in the ways that my parents persist that I pursue a BA in business or managament to this very day, the eve of my graduation (May 2007) in psychology and sociology says otherwise.

Even my hobbies and personal quirks they do not like. I already know all the arguments that they will lobby at me.

Perhaps I should move out, the Lord knows how dearly I’ve always wanted to escape.

*shrugs it off*

When I joined up with Vision Guide to help me get an inkling of the different women religious communities available, I couldn’t imagine how many responses I would get. I have some ideas now that I do not want the cloistered life, although I do respect the isolation these women live in. However, I cannot ignore the nagging sense of the candle under the bushel basket that I get with thinking of such a life for myself. I spend a lot of my time now in prayer, and am doing a daily Bible reading of each Chapter in Judith. I thought it would be fitting for me to read of the various women of the Bible, so I can see more clearly the qualties and characteristics that faith in God fosters in each woman. It gave way to my prayers last night as I finished the fourth chapter of Judith, having read about how the Jews in the mountain passes and Jerusalem fortified everything and then every citizen and slave cried out unto God. It wasn’t until after my prayer that I realized it was August 8th, such a year, what a happy year! It was difficult, but I love loving God.

You know you spend a lot of time dwelling on something when you start dreaming about it. Two nights ago, it was of a modern women religious community, but not a cloistered one; that much I know. Then last night it was a dream of pioneer women working on a farm, without a man in sight – some form of woman community, but I don’t recall if it was religious.

Prayer last night was beautiful. I wanted to run outside and stand in the cool air, surrounded and washed pale by the moonlight. I could see the moonlight reflecting off of the roofs, but not the moon itself. I had, and was, content with my bedroom window though and it was sometime before midnight. I’m trying to get up early in the mornings to have some private prayer time with God, but so far I’ve only been able to rouse myself enough to turn off the alarm. One of these mornings thought, my internal clock will wake me before the alarm, and I’ll be alert enough to pray then. It has only been 2 days. Perhaps I’m a little hard on myself, but how else to foster determination?