An update

I just had a post disappear. That’s something new for me here on Blogspot, although I’ve had it occur at Xanga.

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Psychology was on my mind a lot yesterday. I keep interviewing with psychology oriented field recruiters: LCSWs. PhD, MFTs, etc. I can’t help but feel that they are psyching me out, and all the while I’m trying to psych them out. Make sense? That’s more along the lines of funny and awkward, whereas, each encounter always wants to know if I’ve ever had to handle a crisis situation, and the only one that I was proactive with was Rachel/Hershey.

Thinking about Rachel invariably brings back the months after I left the Local Church. Rachel’s situation was entangled with mine, with me being the main contact point and friend for Rachel, and later she became my pathway into more negativity than I had cause to lead myself into. For as messed up as the two of us were together, we helped each other as well. I can only see Rachel as the only “crisis” I’ve ever had to handle, because I certainly did not handle myself. Some of you here on Xanga, certainly did so for me. I’m probably your “crisis”? Albeit, it was over the internet and those who remember were at least a couple 1,000 miles away.

Therefore I’ve been too introspective the last few days, in such a way that yesterday when I had spanish class I had trouble switching gears, and everything was a giggle fest. A girl/woman I like talking to in the class, Debra, told me my face had flushed as well. The spanish reflexives were giving me trouble, and I was thinking all the while how I would write my brief personal history and self description for the job application to the internship I interviewed for on Tuesday.

The internship is with a group called Outreach Concern, Inc., which puts interns like myself into an elementary or high school setting where I would see kids during an 8:30 am to 2:30 pm school day and counsel them. Then I would have a support team of other interns was well as an on-site supervisor and a weekly meeting with a clinician to make sure I’m not doing anything drastically wrong. I have agreed to do one day per week (Fridays) at a hopefully Catholic school in Long Beach near Cal State Dominguez Hills. The field recruiter asked if I had any problems working at a Catholic school (my medals of St Benedict & the Blessed Virgin were hidden beneath my blouse for the sake of Equal Opportunity Employment) and I said no. He said that the Sister (he said Nun, but we know that’s the wrong term!) was “very proper and set in her ways. I smiled and said that would not be a problem at all. Personally I wonder what order she is, and if I’ve met her at the Vocation retreat in late January, or if I’ve sent her community a vocation letter yet. LOL Outreach is non-profit, and the reason they are available at Catholic schools is because they were recently taken under the wing of Cardinal Mahoney’s Catholic Charities. (Why do I keep interviewing with people under the Mahoney’s pet projects??) Nonetheless, I am looking forward to working with Outreach.

I’m going to post the personal history blurb I’ve written in Protected, and maybe some of you can give me pointers/proofread? I’ve tried to think of how to say that I’ve never be in material need, but I have struggled with my own issues and conflicts, to perhaps show that I can relate to the kids I’ll be counseling. I also have to have a self-description which I’ll put in the same Protected post.

JoAnn’s is going nowhere. At Old Navy, I was trained to do everything, and at JoAnn’s that translates to job responsibilities that are at the managerial level (ie, returns, exchanges, crediting credit cards, etc). Yet, I’m relinquished to the level of the baby, and cannot do returns. Excuse my momentary frustration, at being realy cheap hire for them. I’m a college graduate and I don’t get paid more than 8 bucks an hour, gotta be kidding me! They haven’t had me work since Sunday. I’m available for immediate hire, and they hired me, but they won’t put me to work. I thought people get hired because the company needs someone to be working for them soon, to fill a void. Yet, I don’t have a single day scheduled?!? Tell me, please, am I off-base here?

In the meantime, I am still looking for other jobs and also need to find time to get fingerprinted, again, for Outreach. The Attorney General’s office, like any other bureaucratic system is too tangled for me to just request a transfer form to send the fingerprint scan results from Didi Hirsch over to Outreach Concern. Grr. It is just much easier to avoid the bureaucracy and just get fingerprinted all over again. LiveScan is kinda cool, though.

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Box.net has been updated, so you can see all the things I’ve written, although they are just undergraduate research papers. Some are on assigned topics, others were chosen by me.

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Got a job at Jo~Ann’s craft store as a cashier. not thrilled. Will update when Xanga behaves properly and lets me log in.

Corrected: Box.net logo now has my papers and stuff available to the public. Sorry about the confusion earlier.

jobless & God

Forget intellectual post.

In school I was able to build up a routine of prayer between my class lecture hours, the extracirricular activities, and study periods. Graduation took away that schedule, and I spend all day, ALL day mind you, looking for jobs. If I’m not online actively looking or driving out to an interview, I’m nagged by my parents for why I’m not looking for a job. Well, let’s see: I’ve been looking since April. It is now the middle of June. If I were to have a job, wouldn’t I be having one by now, especially since its the only way for me to pay for graduate school? Mommy & daddy aint gonna pay for me. This university and these two degrees have done nothing but close doors in my face!

I’ve tried to set up a schedule of prayer and Bible reading for myself. I would like to do it everyday, but because I need to get up early, in order to get the prayers and job hunt done in the same 24 hour period, it’s only every other day (MWF). I get up at 5:20am, pray the Rosary, read some psalms, & pray the Angelic Chaplet. Then in the evening I re-read the psalms and note/scribble in a notebook. Sometimes it’s prayer, other times its frustrated questions.

I had what I would call a “Samuel Moment” Tuesday evening (~3 AM). It’s frustrating to have that sense to just walk out on your life, and ask God “but WHERE do I go?!?”

In a week or so

I will try to have an intellectual post up here sometime in the next week (shooting for this week). It’s been a while since I’ve done something other than complain here, but there are the Box.net files at the bottom of the page if anyone wants to read smarter things. I’d be surprised if you did read them because they are only undergraduate research papers.

On loving home

Thank you for your comments. It’s easy to just type everything up, and leave it at that. Google Mail also just lets me moderate and publish the comments from my email. It’s quick and convenient, which is why I am also posting here more often that I have in the past, since it’s no longer just another blog on a random site that was outside of my typical routine.

This connectedness also forces me to read your comments, and because I haven’t had these many different people reading my site in the past, I do take the time to carefully read the comments.

I know that Ginger & J.A. have left comments about love regarding the last (personal) post.

It is difficult, as I’m sure you all know. Family has that special ability to love, but also hurt, like few other social institutions of people can muster. It’s easy to love when things are going well, and easy to hate when things have gone sour. The trick is to always love.

When I was at university for my undergraduate, I talked on quite a few occasions to Fr. Lawrence at the Catholic Center. Last time I spoke with him he said, and I’m going to paraphrase it: You [Megan] have the double bind of having to obey God’s Word and Will, and having to honor father and mother as well.

It’s no easier today than it was back in November 2006 or any other time before that.

I keep thinking of what I wrote the other day: it’s like faith in God threatens them, it’s something frightening and to be escaped. I phrase it “faith in God” because it appears to be easy to put thier faith into things like “luck,” “chance,” false gods & idols.
When there is behavior they want me to change, or they need an arguing point (a “get out of jail free” card to save their butt), religion comes up, and it’s always my fault. They address it like one addresses “dirty laundry.”

So I cleaned my room today. Religious icons out where they have always been, but letters and vocational packages have been discreetly hidden in plain sight. I am not going to stop them if they choose to rifle through my drawers and look at my Bibles, prayer cards, Christian & Catholic books.

I haven’t been in the best of moods recently because I don’t want to go out into the world and make $8.00 per hour with a 4-year degree. Yesterday, mom was less than sympathetic about it, and decided that prayer cards and Catholicism was a good thing to throw in my face, because surely that would “straighten” me “out.” All she had to say, “Megan, when you graduated, there was no expectation of you from me that you would be employed at something other than a grocery store, bank, or clothing store.” That’s all! I felt like upon graduation it was expected that I find a job earning around $13+ per hour.

Whatever!

Meanwhile, Deus est Caritas sits on my bookshelf unread.
*Please, I know I don’t sound loving on many of my posts, but know that I am trying.