Reflection for Good Friday

It is vast, and ageless. Eternal, and that is the most striking feature. Through the centuries there have been these people, seeming fools, that join the crusade, and fight. Some have solid proof for joining forces, others leap straight into it, and may discover their reason for joining along the way, or just as they perish in the fight. I’ve never bothered to understand it, I just oppose their forces. An mortal army fighting for an immortal cause few fully grasp, against my immortal and fearsome forces. Yet, it is I that trembles as their battle cry resounds.

One battle mattered more than any of the others, as it was the one that brought my defeat, and I’ll never forget the words of their Leader, “It is finished.” My forces shook more in that moment than His earthquake, and a pall cast over us darker than His clouds and thunder. Whenever possible, we take no prisoners, although we gladly accept all who defect.

Even now, in their idea of time, their army is taking hits from all sides, even within as their defectors cross back into His camp. Yet, there is a solid core and the newcomers and young ones, make it so difficult for us to continue our rampage. Few, but strong headed and claiming righteous anger, their generals are granting them permission. The Wind is blowing and their sails are unfurled; their weaponry forever loaded and ready. Marching, crying, the wholeness shakes, and I cringe at what is to come. And has already come.

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A couple weeks ago, I can’t exactly recall all the details, but I read something that said the Devil does not see the Church (all Christians) as we see it, right here and now, but across the whole span of time. It sees the Church as a vast and spiritually immortal army, against which the Devil’s gates will not prevail. Since then, I have heard messages on Christian radio that echoes the sentiment. Later, an image came to mind during prayer, one of a vast army full of saints and sinners all claiming faith in Christ, the whole of Christianity from the beginning through now, perhaps even beyond. Different races, ages, types of dress, etc. And the whole vast army was marching, and it was a great and terrible sight to behold.

It wasn’t my imagination, I can’t drum it up again now writing it, and its distant and imperfect like a memory.

Satan does not see you and I as separate entities, but as a whole Eternal army under the direction of God the Father and Jesus Christ, with the Holy Spirit saecula saeculorum.

So Many Things…

Unlike a lot of bloggers, I am not fasting my blogs for Lent; it’s booze. That’s difficult for any post-grad person who hangs out on campus, goes to bars, clubs, etc. Yes, for any jaw-droppers out there, I party like that. There’s some fun under all this straightlacing!

Sister Joseph Andrew asked me this week for an update on my discernment and about where I am with taking care of my student debt. I do not have a definitive answer for me, for you, or for her; and we all should have a response to the inquiry! I would love to know what God wants to happen.

That being said, I’ve got a lot of peace around the idea that I am not likely to enter the Dominican Sisters of Mary. I was heartbroken last year when I was accepted and unable to enter, but not this year. This is not resignation, this is an accepting, “Okay, God, if not the DSMME, where? Who?”

No order, as I stand right now, will seriously consider me with debt. So thus far I know that I cannot seriously apply and enter a convent for about 2 years, perhaps 3, considering I ardently desire for my sanity to move out of my parents’ house.

So I’ve got the “when” addressed. As for the where, there are several realizations coming to me, prayerfully of course.

First, I love the DSMME, but I think I was initially drawn to their vitality, youth, and faithfulness to Rome. These are all very lovely things to desire, but a vocational calling they do not make. I liked the idea of teaching, but having used this year to teach Confirmation, I can say I like teaching, but I do not love it. I cannot do it all the time. However teaching Confirmation and being involved with 2 parishes in the area have allowed me to experience retreats. I love helping out with retreats – teaching, coordinating, being in the background, and interceding for the retreatants.

What else do I like and look for in an expression of my faith? Spiritual warfare and intercession finds me; I don’t go looking for it. Now, provided some of that is directly related to the fact I live at home and family members invite idolatry and occultic practices in; yet I’m around it even outside of the family house.

Third, I’m not attached to any of the Dominican saints; they are great people and saints, but they are not the ones I call upon. I call upon St Michael, St Joan of Arc, and St Benedict. And this got me to praying and thinking about what I mentioned above in terms of spirituality and warfare, and intercession. It’s always been there, it’s not going away.

Lastly, at the beginning, and this continues still, my prayer has been to be with Jesus Christ alone. To just be with Him all the days of my life, and nothing else. It’s the “nothing else” and “alone” that jumps out at me now. In the previous 3 years of discernment I think I was afraid of monastic and contemplative vocations. I had no idea about them, and I wasn’t about to consider them out of fear. Fear? Fear is of the Devil, and it always grips us right when we are about to do something that is perfectly legitimate in the eyes of God (i.e., Confession, speaking out about the Truth). So, maybe it’s time to face this old fear head on and look at monastic life, and such.

That’s where I’m at.