02/28/2011 3am edition

You know your back pain is painful when it wakes you up during the night (the past 3 nights).
You know that you're not doing well in the food department when you dry heave at 3am.
You know that your nightmares and sleep talking are troublesome when you wake up despite being already sleep deprived, and you stroll into work 10 minutes late.

what it takes

to feel better: lots of time sitting alone. Quietly.  Lots and lots of time.  

I spent time alone yesterday and today.  I feel less exhaustion, but everything else remains the same.  Ate one meal today: 2 home made pork tamales, handful of dried blueberries & 2 Lindt chocolates.  Spending what must be the 4th week with the heating pad through the night.  Last night was nasty, I couldn't sleep much at all, and my back was all whacked out.
I'm okay with wherever this is taking me.  I don't have to fight it.


The day was nice.  Sunny and breezy in the South bay.  Driving into Burbank it was omnimus dark clouds, which turned out to bring us awesome hail at El Porto's by 1pm and snow by 5pm.  Flipping awesome.  Probably the only time all day that I had a genuine smile on my face.  Bought some red suede high heels, and some cute earrings (things I actually needed: red, pink & gray pairs).

But I warned my girlfriend Mary pretty well. I said “Little Miss Sunshine is a bit more gloomy recently.” And I carried along a long-standing joke about Zoloft.
I've had more coffee today, than I think most people would think wise.  Let me tell you, I could go around with a literal IV coffee drip, and I would still be tired.  I'm tired of being tired.  And I kind of want to enjoy eating, rather than feeling pressured to eat.
Such is life.
Want to leave you with this quote:

Psychology tends to be solar, wanting to bring all things to light, to overcome the darkness and make everything manageable.  It wants to banish darkness with any means at its disposal.  But no one wants such a harsh cleansing and brightening.  It would be better to be deepened and darkened by an experience of the night.  You would then become more complex, more interesting, less one-dimensional.

You can see that the point of staying in the dark is not to trick it into making you brilliant and germ-free, but to make you a more interesting person and to give you a more fascinating life.  In therapeutic times like ours, these goals may seem odd. But they are ultimately  more humane.  Rather than giving you a spotless, well-adjusted personality, they give you substance.  You become a person worth knowing, worth listening to, and worth loving, in all your dimensions. 

Dark Nights of the Soul, Thomas More, pg 51 


This shouldn’t be new information to you at this point: I’m tired.

Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late.  Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do.  It’s not for a lack of work, but for too much.  I’m behind in my IPCs, haven’t ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.

The other social worker is saying things like “Let’s go eat” and my visceral reaction is “no thanks” because I’ve gone from “being too stressed to eat” to having no appetite whatsoever.  For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired.  I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance.  I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.

For the past two weeks my back pain went away.  It’s returned.  I can’t sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders.  The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.

And if anyone’s reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling.  I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression.  I’m not surprised by it.  For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I’ll never kill myself.   For those who say “never say never” let me make something clear.  If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth.  I’ve had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now.  I didn’t attempt anything then, and won’t be doing so now.  If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.

I’ve got therapy tomorrow at 10am.  Afterwards I’ll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I’m going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.

money & family

If you ask me to tell my friend about the couches your boyfriend is selling, guess what? I'm not responsible for babysitting my friend and checking to see if she got the email.  I'm also not responsible for seeing if she is interested.  She is an adult and is responsible for calling your boyfriend to say “yes, I'm interested” or “no I'm not, find another buyer.”

Not planning on setting up family & friends again for buying/selling any thing.
6 hours at work, 1 hour on the road from point a to b, and 5 hours at internship = 12 hour days.  Every Thursday will be like this.  To think people go around telling me that they want to emulate that schedule.  Ugh.  Seriously?  I guess it might not be so grueling if I were to have some normal sleep, play, and eating patterns.
Oh, on the work front.  Heh.  I cannot cash my paycheck.  I needed the check on Monday so that I could cash it and send a check out for a retreat I wanted to do (the drama unfolded on Facebook) March 5th.  But I got the check on Wednesday (nearly a month on one paycheck; the first was on the 7th), and it couldn't be cashed on Wednesday & I was late to internship as a result.  I tried again today, and there's still not enough money in the ADHC business account for me to get paid.
I had told my boss on Wednesday that I needed the check.  I need more than the paper of the check.  I need the money it represents.  Because he cannot get his finances together, I lost the one day I've been looking forward to for weeks that I could actually justify as a retreat and a day to emotionally and spiritually take care of myself.  Not any more.  Well, I guess I do have that 1 hour set aside for therapy on Saturdays that I was going to postpone next week.  yay