to feel better: lots of time sitting alone. Quietly. Lots and lots of time.
The day was nice. Sunny and breezy in the South bay. Driving into Burbank it was omnimus dark clouds, which turned out to bring us awesome hail at El Porto's by 1pm and snow by 5pm. Flipping awesome. Probably the only time all day that I had a genuine smile on my face. Bought some red suede high heels, and some cute earrings (things I actually needed: red, pink & gray pairs).
Psychology tends to be solar, wanting to bring all things to light, to overcome the darkness and make everything manageable. It wants to banish darkness with any means at its disposal. But no one wants such a harsh cleansing and brightening. It would be better to be deepened and darkened by an experience of the night. You would then become more complex, more interesting, less one-dimensional.
You can see that the point of staying in the dark is not to trick it into making you brilliant and germ-free, but to make you a more interesting person and to give you a more fascinating life. In therapeutic times like ours, these goals may seem odd. But they are ultimately more humane. Rather than giving you a spotless, well-adjusted personality, they give you substance. You become a person worth knowing, worth listening to, and worth loving, in all your dimensions.
— Dark Nights of the Soul, Thomas More, pg 51
This shouldn’t be new information to you at this point: I’m tired.
Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late. Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do. It’s not for a lack of work, but for too much. I’m behind in my IPCs, haven’t ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.
The other social worker is saying things like “Let’s go eat” and my visceral reaction is “no thanks” because I’ve gone from “being too stressed to eat” to having no appetite whatsoever. For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired. I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance. I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.
For the past two weeks my back pain went away. It’s returned. I can’t sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders. The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.
And if anyone’s reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling. I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression. I’m not surprised by it. For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I’ll never kill myself. For those who say “never say never” let me make something clear. If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth. I’ve had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now. I didn’t attempt anything then, and won’t be doing so now. If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.
I’ve got therapy tomorrow at 10am. Afterwards I’ll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I’m going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.
If you ask me to tell my friend about the couches your boyfriend is selling, guess what? I'm not responsible for babysitting my friend and checking to see if she got the email. I'm also not responsible for seeing if she is interested. She is an adult and is responsible for calling your boyfriend to say “yes, I'm interested” or “no I'm not, find another buyer.”