In the past week, I have experienced a few things, and they're unpleasant.
I had to file a Child Protective Services report on behalf of a client at my internship. Wednesday evening the matter came up, and on Thursday after discussing it with my supervisor, I had to file it. I have no memory of last Monday or Tuesday. I recall vague details of Wednesday, and most of Thursday. I remember Friday clearly, but I don't recall much of my counseling session on Saturday.
What I am attempting to describe is the experience of getting so stressed out that my brain shuts down; I essentially enter “power save” mode. I lose memory of what happened prior to the event, sometimes what happened during it, and usually after it. I have no memory what so ever of my 2 client sessions on Thursday evening, and if I did not have homework on Monday & Tuesday evening to write about what I had accomplished at internship, I would not have anything to fall back on to.
This is not my first experience of losing memory. There are entire months that I cannot recall from being unemployed for 1.5 years prior to the job I currently have; and there are many instances of arguments and rages that my mom exposed me, my sister and dad to, that I have spotty memory of, or none at all. One example would be last July. I don't recall a large portion of what went on, not even the day. I know it was the same day as a housewarming party. That's about it. But I also know that I hid in my closet that day, and in doing so, I remembered a similar incident many years ago, of hiding in my closet, trying to muffle the noise and block it out. Actively trying to block it out.
I'm okay. I'm not great. I have daily headaches, and back pain. Add shooting pain to that back pain, and I've now been sleeping with the heating pad for over a month. Saturday evening my back pain was so bad that I took two Excedrin at 10:30 pm and at midnight I was struggling not to cry over it – the medication didn't work.
Emotionally, I seem to hold it together pretty well at work. I feel like crying in the morning sometimes. I definitely cry in my therapist's office, and if you know me, you know that I do not cry. I'm very stoic, even for a young person.
I got a text this morning from a girlfriend who needs a roommate. I texted her back saying that I was interested: what's the rent? Where's the location, etc. Turns out, it is a condo in Signal Hill. I want to work out a budget for myself to see if it works out. So I'll be meeting up with my friends to make a budget and see if I can afford the place. I'll go out on Monday to see it, even if I have to ditch my internship class. I cannot shake the feeling that I need to ask permission to move out!
I'll keep you up-to-date.