Today I hit an insight: I can deny how I feel all day long and tell myself “No, I’m not” or “No, I don’t” feel x, y, and z or want to a, b, and c. Or I can say “yes” to these feelings and wants and desires, and not follow through on them. Hah! How’s that? I can admit, yes, I’m nervous and anxious and don’t know why. I can also say that while I’m nervous and anxious, it doesn’t have to rule over me. This state of mind feels better than constantly denying how I feel, which created more anxiety as I tried to fight off my natural inclination.
Meanwhile, I’ve put off a number of things:
- writing a letter to Monsignor for why 2 teens should not be Confirmed in May
- Eating dinner
- getting back to work on my novels
- Need to find a better job
- I’m probably forgetting something here…
So, putting off dinner – I get home from internship on Tuesdays sometime around 9pm; I’ve spent the past 12 hours of my life taking care of other people, pushing paper through shredders, gripping about slow computers and worrying about the psychosocial status of 120 elderly clients. That’s just my job. Internship; I coordinate and co-facilitate well-thought out groups for substance abusing teenagers; activities are underappreciated, therapeutic moments are lost to the world of wanting ipods, quickies, and booze.
I get to come home and be bombarded with “Hey, could you….” and I just stammer “No. No. I can’t.”
“Well, are you going to eat now or later?”
“I don’t know Dad. I just got home, okay?”
Sheesh. He’s been home all day, thinking of more things for me to do to appease himself and mom. Things to keep things on an even keel. All I want to do when I get home is to relax, not do more things. I want to listen to music, lose myself on Facebook, get feed back on my short story, and eventually shower and go to bed. Oh, wait, dinner is supposed to be somewhere in there – but in my haste to get all the things done, and if I can’t relax, I’ll skip dinner. It’s hard enough to relax, since by the time I wind down and am starting to feel tired and ready for bed, guess what, it’s midnight. Turn on the alarm, crawl back into bed with my stuffed animal, and wait for 6:45am to roll around.