Maundy Thursday

Holy Week. It's always a drain.
All the usual temptations, and then some, are ramped up; seeking you around each corner to trip you out of your best intentions.
Stress hits an all time high, and emotions like anxiety or sadness come out of the woodwork.
All good-intentioned actions run short, get bumped off, or go awry.
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And then there's stuff with family. My family goes a little nuts, and not like buying eggs, plastic grass and baskets crazy. They just get nuttier.
Now, tonight. Today was a mess. I was late to work. I got out of work past 2:30 after being in a meeting since 12:45pm. I get to internship, and my client misses his appointment time. I go to Mass at 7:30pm and walk out at 10pm. I have 25 missed calls on my phone, 11 voicemail messages and 3 text messages. Dad's in the ER; now they're keeping him overnight for observation.
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I asked for today, Good Friday, off from work. So much for time off, time to relax, time to breathe and let be. 

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Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. — St Augustine

 
Faith lives on things that are most dark, just as hope lives best on the elements of despair.  — Blessed Nivard, OSB Cist.

All our religion is but a false religion, and all our virtues are mere illusions and we ourselves are only hypocrites in the sight of God, if we have not that universal charity for everyone – for the good, and for the bad, for the poor and for the rich, and for all those who do us harm as much as those who do us good. —  St. John Vianney

Dinner?

Today I hit an insight: I can deny how I feel all day long and tell myself “No, I’m not” or “No, I don’t” feel x, y, and z or want to a, b, and c. Or I can say “yes” to these feelings and wants and desires, and not follow through on them. Hah! How’s that? I can admit, yes, I’m nervous and anxious and don’t know why. I can also say that while I’m nervous and anxious, it doesn’t have to rule over me.  This state of mind feels better than constantly denying how I feel, which created more anxiety as I tried to fight off my natural inclination.

Meanwhile, I’ve put off a number of things:

  1. writing a letter to Monsignor for why 2 teens should not be Confirmed in May
  2. Eating dinner
  3. getting back to work on my novels
  4. Need to find a better job
  5. I’m probably forgetting something here…
So, putting off dinner – I get home from internship on Tuesdays sometime around 9pm; I’ve spent the past 12 hours of my life taking care of other people, pushing paper through shredders, gripping about slow computers and worrying about the psychosocial status of 120 elderly clients. That’s just my job. Internship; I coordinate and co-facilitate well-thought out groups for substance abusing teenagers; activities are underappreciated, therapeutic moments are lost to the world of wanting ipods, quickies, and booze. 
I get to come home and be bombarded with “Hey, could you….” and I just stammer “No. No.  I can’t.” 
“Well,  are you going to eat now or later?” 
“I don’t know Dad. I just got home, okay?”
Sheesh. He’s been home all day, thinking of more things for me to do to appease himself and mom. Things to keep things on an even keel.  All I want to do when I get home is to relax, not do more things. I want to listen to music, lose myself on Facebook, get feed back on my short story, and eventually shower and go to bed.  Oh, wait, dinner is supposed to be somewhere in there – but in my haste to get all the things done, and if I can’t relax, I’ll skip dinner. It’s hard enough to relax, since by the time I wind down and am starting to feel tired and ready for bed, guess what, it’s midnight. Turn on the alarm, crawl back into bed with my stuffed animal, and wait for 6:45am to roll around.
yep.

For the Greater Glory of God

can be seen in the small things. Like the care taken to pleat ribbon for a chapel veil.

Here I am 
at the end
I’m in need of Resurrection
Only YOU can take this empty shell
and raise it from the dead
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Realise that you were delivered from
the futile way of life your fathers handed on to you,
not by any diminishable sum of silver or gold,
but by Christ’s blood beyond all price:
the blood of a spotless,
unblemished lamb
chosen before the world’s foundation
and revealed for your sake
in these last days.
It is through Him that 
you are believers in God,
the God who raised Him from the dead
and gave Him glory.
Your faith and hope, then,
are centered in God.
Amen.
1 Peter 1:18-21
be