What I think I want for my bday

I’m thinking about it; I’m never really certain.

  1. http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/genius-unmasked-roberta-ness/1113852203
  2. black knee-high boots (my current pair is 2+years old and literally has holes in the soles)
  3. brown knee-high boots (ibid)
  4. knee length forest green circle skirt
  5. Josh Groban’s CD: “All that Echoes”

Why am I not certain? Whatever’s not usurped in November gets to be under the tree on Christmas. I hate getting jewelry; I have no room, literally no room for new clothes. I don’t have time to read the countless books I do have on my shelf.

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What I should eventually write a post about

is abortion. Not in the same way that the debates go, but my personal reaction to it. However, unlike the short story I submitted last month on that topic to a magazine, I’m nowhere near the ego strength needed to do this. I’m working on this issue with my therapist.  Before someone jumps to conclusions, I didn’t have one. I could never kill a child, especially each and every one that God entrusts to my care.

Keeping a Record

I need to keep a record for work of supervisor’s transgressions. I need to be able to edit it on a weekly basis. Seems a blog would be a good place.

  • Thursday September 26th My supervisor stated in front of colleague/roommate and another supervisor “Oh is this your wife” and I restated “No, she’s my roommate.”
  • Friday September 27th I emailed a complaint to supervisor’s supervisor
  • Monday September 30th Supervisor was talked to, written up and shown the email
  • Wednesday October 2nd supervisor asked me if my “intention was for me to get written up?” and “did I think about” the consequences of my actions; did not apologize, and stated “people say that all the time as a joke. It was a joke”. I reiterated it “is illegal” and “inappropriate”, “out of context when consulting with a client” and “embarrassing”.
  • Wednesday October 9th supervisor did not inform me that my supervision was cancelled; she walked over to me and said “Oops, I messed up … no, I didn’t.” Supervisor double-booked my weekly supervision time at 3pm with an interview; did the same thing following Wednesday at October 16th.
  • Friday October 4th Supervisor hung up on when I was calling to consult about a client; claimed to never receive my text message – I can refute this by checking my cell service provider.
  • Monday October 21st During Group Supervision: Supervisor stated I needed to have all 10 packets for the month due in to her by the end of following day, this is a soft deadline that no one else on the therapy team has to comply to; other team members in session were not told to submit by a particular day, and they have less than 10 packets. Other soft deadlines have been established for packets as the 25th, and company hard deadline is the last day of the month.
  • Wednesday October 23rd Supervisor tells me during individual supervision that I’m “snooty” and “maybe this isn’t the right place for you” regarding difficulties with my two laptops not functioning well with the company’s electronic medical record system which runs on Internet Explorer 8 (and the two laptops automatically update; currently running on IE10). I admit that I’m not polite when pressed for a hard deadline which is really a soft-deadline. Supervisor admitted that “[HV] and I decided that everyone should turn in their packets on the Monday before they’re due”. Her job as a supervisor is to inform her team of this decision; She did not. She threatened my job security over notes. Then she proceeded to congratulate me on my billing for the previous week. Supervisor stated “you’re not the only one with skeleton notes” but only tells me “maybe this isn’t the right place for you.” Additionally, supervisor states “You need to find a way to get a new computer” because she’s so intimately acquainted with my finances to tell me what to do with my money right after she threatens to have me fired. Supervisor stated I needed to work on being able to trust her and communicate.
  • supervisor pushes all of us on the team to make more than productivity, which is 1560; I informed supervisor that if I got 19 hours for previous week that I had made productivity; she stated “but you brought everyone else up”. So? if company policy is 1560, then stop talking to me like I’m delinquent for not having some magical number that upper management isn’t concerned with.
  • Monday October 28th, Supervisor stated in group supervision at 9:30am that “packets are due today at noon” which was verified with QA and supervisor’s own supervisor.

Silence

I’m thinking about silence itself as an object/presence recently. Immediately in my reaction field is a post I was reading from another blogger here on WP.

In my work as a child and adolescent therapist to some of the poorer children (the poorest live on skid row and I don’t have the stomach to work with that population) of Los Angeles; specifically called SPA 8 (Service Provider Area 8). I’ve had the special privilege of working with different young women, all under the age of 15 years of age who have been raped, sexually assaulted, attempted sexual assault/molestation, and/or sexual harassment. Each one has told me that they considered themselves to be the only one until they confided in a friend, cousin, or aunt near to their age (under 20 years of age); then they tell me, “I told her to tell someone about what she was going through”. Can we just get this over and done with?

Ladies/Girls/Women, let’s just admit that the men in our lives want us to feel alone. They want us to be frightened and feel alone! Yet, the reality is that more women and girls are assaulted, harrassed, abused by people they know than absolute strangers.

And abuse, physical abuse is the same story and I totally want to jump in there with the kid and be like “Yeah, I know!” but I can’t. The therapy hour is totally about them, and I pull myself back inside and be all like “Yeah? Can you tell me about what makes you scared?” or “What’s that like?” I stay on the back-burner and may save my urge to blurt out for my own therapy sessions where I get triggered/reminded of getting hit on the back my head or back with shoes or slippers (and you wonder why the F I hate the color pink or her perfume or being touched at all, least of all being touched or hugged or anything by her); that evening I watched the filled Mayo jar fly by me, missing me by golly-knows-what; choosing dissociation in the closet instead of listening to the litany of Megan’s-fucked-up-as-a-daughter-because.

You know what’s also the same fucking story? (I know, a wanna-be-nun just said the F word. Pick your jaw off the floor, ‘cuz she’s heard and said so much more worse in the past). Getting harassed and bullied at work by your supervisor. I’m taking the fall because I told my supervisor’s boss that she made comments which I considered to be inappropriate. About the 3rd week of September I received information from a client’s caregiver about A/V hallucinations, and my supervisor in the course of consulting with another supervisor, stated “Oh, is this your wife?” My roommate (a co-worker) and her supervisor were in the room. As it was out of context, inappropriate, and I’m generally reserved, I didn’t say a damn thing at the moment.  However I did email my supervisor’s supervisor about her statements, explaining that I felt they were:

Hi [Supervisor’s Supervisor],

I want to make a complaint about a statement [Name redacted to protect the not-so-innocent] made to me yesterday in front of another employee & supervisor. We had gone to the back of the [Location] office to consult with [Roommate’s supervisor] about a cx [client] of mine. To this other employee (who is my roommate, [name removed]) and in front of her supervisor, [my supervisor] said, “Oh, is this your wife?”  I corrected it immediately as “No, she’s my roommate.”
Myself and my roommate felt it was inappropriate; I’m embarrassed.
I’m making a complaint as this is not the first time [the not-so-innocent] has made inappropriate comments about faith/personal issues to me; I’ve addressed them with her in the past and thought it was taken care of. I can talk more about those  with you’d like.
I write that I’m taking the fall because I’m the one getting pegged for distinct deadlines prior to the company’s established deadlines for monthly paperwork; my supervision time is being double-booked two weeks in a row and my supervisor says “oh, I messed up…no I didn’t”; she hangs up on me, she conveniently “never” receives my text messages (I can prove this via phone company) ; she gives me the clients that she’s having assigned to her (I can also prove this), which she needs to be credentialed in an evidence-based practice (one of our primary sources of funding); she does not listen to me pertaining to being able to either submit notes on-time, or completing paperwork to her superficial deadlines but not both (I have multiple witnesses). I’ll be harassed, picked on and bullied until my body collapses or she finds someone else to bully.
Yet, there’s another side to silence, where I can find peace instead of noise, calm instead of jarring harassment; can breathe without needing to calm my pinched and firing nerve[s]. For me this kind of silence is filled with incense, Gregorian Chant and sunlight filtered through stained-glass windows. Usually, I’ve just beginning to grasp this kind of silence at the end of the Mass of the Catechumens. Currently, I take a single line from the Anima Christi “Hide me in Your wounds” because it’s the only place that has been once-struck and never struck again. That blow is finished for all time, and He is righteous and reigns again. I can hide wherever I want to, but I crawl into the lance-blow, and imagine Momma Mary holds the body of her Son one last moment as in the Pieta and clasps her hand over me, not only keeping me hidden but I cannot fall out either. I sleep with a Crucifix clutched in my hands because it’s the only way I can sleep through the night without waking up every 2 hours. One of these days I’ll walk behind the closed doors of a monastery which St. Therese of the Child Jesus frequently called a prisoner; however it’s the first time I won’t be imprisoned. I’ll be able to openly declare/be myself without fear of reprimand. Nothing should slow my mother down on reprimanding me about how I’ll cause the doom-and-gloom on her marriage and am an utter disgrace more than a 7 hour drive to San Francisco. I hope I laugh when I should be silent.