I can’t sleep.
I haven’t been hungry all day (24 hours).
When I do sleep, it’s in fits & starts.
I’m cold.
I jump when the neighbors open/slam their door.
I can’t stop hearing my memories.
I forget whether I fed my pets.

I wonder when it’ll become easier to cope with my triggers. I wonder why I have been triggered more this month than other years at the same time frame. I wonder if being a social worker will ever get easier. I wonder if one day I’ll be able to cope with filing an abuse report without being triggered.


2 Replies to “prose/rant/ramble”

  1. Triggers are weird. I say this because every time I think I am at a point that I will never be thrown into a state of despair from being triggered, I get thrown into a state of despair. I think maybe we just have to learn to go with the flow, including the high tides that stop us from treading water.

    I don’t know if it will get easier to deal with other people’s trauma unless you let go of your humanity. Do you think you could organize your cases into “triggering” “less triggering” and then deal with the less triggering ones on the days you are feeling more sensitive?

  2. Could it be the season/month? I’ve noticed that I become more agitated during certain times of the year. Mainly around October because that’s when my childhood exploded and we were taken away to foster care. Maybe another part of it could be the situations you’ve been dealing with lately? With other children, I mean, and having to make those very difficult phone calls?
    That’s the thing about triggers, too. Even when you know them and do your best to avoid them, you can never really fully protect yourself from the impact they have. It’s like bracing yourself against an oncoming car. It’s still going to hurt like hell either way.

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