Same Old Poop

I know the answers to the unspoken questions that pull tears from my eyes.  I know not to ever ask ever again “When will it stop?” I came as I promised Monday  evening to pick up some food and the old food processor and juicer. She was upset, I guess I was too precisely on time. I said, “I’m here” and the response was “Oh, okay. Whatever.” Dad’s response to me was don’t start anything. Me? I came on time. I came as promised. She’s mad when I come, when I don’t visit.

I can’t entertain the crazy.

Coiled

 

rattlesnake
rattlesnake

I went hiking this past weekend for 2 hours (hiked 4 miles). I like to hike the hard way in and the easy way out, that way I get my exercise in, my rest period with a snack, and some creating (i.e. photography, drawing, thinking), and lastly my cool-down period. On the way back to the parking lot along the deteriorating fire-road, just past the ruins of the Keller cabin, the wind died down. The woodpeckers stopped jostling their brains. I stopped and then I heard it, the rustling of the leaves like a ball was rolling in the brush. I looked closely, and saw this guy ^ gliding on by. He/She’s a rattlesnake, about 3 feet long but not very thick, and the rattler didn’t look very well formed.

The imagery and experience of watching a snake in the grass seems to be a good metaphor of how the month of August has been for me: I was on a monastic visit and I don’t know what to make of my experience; my Spiritual Director quit; gossip at work encouraging/pressuring me to date a male colleague; slanderous gossip at work on a different matter which is abhorrent in nature, & more. As it is late in the month, I’m getting to the point of just watching the snake in the grass. I take a step closer because I’m curious, but I use my zoom lens to get a better look. I stand around to make sure it goes into it’s hole in the ground, and I go on my way. I’m just watching all this “danger” come at me and I’m TRYING to let it pass.

My thoughts since learning of the slanderous gossip at work are as follow:

  • if you have the luxury of enough time to conjure such abysmal stories about me, perhaps you need more clients.
  • I only speak negatively of the people who’ve done me wrong (i.e. my direct supervisor calling me a lesbian).
  • I’ve been honest about my family, why make up more horrific stories – the truth isn’t enough? (verbal & physical abuse)
  • Do you actually desire that kind of trauma to be upon me?
  • Is this a reaction to the fact that I’ve made statements that I’m Catholic and therefore will not have strange unmarried men spend the night in my apartment?
  • Is this a reaction to the fact I’ve stated numerous times that I do not date people at work?
  • Is this a reaction to the fact I’ve stated “I’m Catholic”?
  • Driving into work today, I’m was still furious. I frequently talk to myself in the car at times like this. I explained to myself that my life does not exist to please you, to appease you. I am not standoffish about sex, but I will not engage in sex outside of marriage, I will not masturbate, I will not procure abortions or contracept. Not because I’m afraid of sex, but that these are the teachings of the Catholic Church. If I did not want to have to follow these teachings, I’d go find a religion that does fit my thoughts. For example, if I thought children should not be baptized prior to the age of reason, I’d be a Baptist, if I thought modernity were completely of the Devil, I’d be Mennonite. However, these are man-made constructs. I’m Catholic because that is the Church Christ established through Simon-called-Peter/Cephas. If I were to run around to find a religion that fit me, that wouldn’t be Faith, it’d be Pride. I’m Catholic, I follow what Mother Church teaches since She can only speak the truth of God. I don’t attend the Church of You wherein there’s practices of masturbation, abortion, contraception, fornication, emotional extra-marital affairs, loose associations, and Soul-selling for a few moments pleasure: Let’s see, maybe 20 minutes of sex in exchange for eternity in Hell, or I can forego sex outside of marriage between the ages of 13 to 30ish, and have better hopes of going to Heaven. I submit to God. My life is created for the glory of God. I’m made by & for God, so I’m Catholic. I follow what God teaches through His established Church. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.
  • If you’ve never had the experience of seeing a real bonafide Catholic and that scares you to the point of committing slander and defamation, I don’t think I need to say which situation is more foolish.
  • I don’t want to know who this person / whom these people are. Really, I don’t. I’ll lose so much respect for them. I’d loathe calling them colleagues. Their minds are pure filth. Additionally, knowing your name(s) opens you up to a lawsuit.

 

Keeping a Record

I need to keep a record for work of supervisor’s transgressions. I need to be able to edit it on a weekly basis. Seems a blog would be a good place.

  • Thursday September 26th My supervisor stated in front of colleague/roommate and another supervisor “Oh is this your wife” and I restated “No, she’s my roommate.”
  • Friday September 27th I emailed a complaint to supervisor’s supervisor
  • Monday September 30th Supervisor was talked to, written up and shown the email
  • Wednesday October 2nd supervisor asked me if my “intention was for me to get written up?” and “did I think about” the consequences of my actions; did not apologize, and stated “people say that all the time as a joke. It was a joke”. I reiterated it “is illegal” and “inappropriate”, “out of context when consulting with a client” and “embarrassing”.
  • Wednesday October 9th supervisor did not inform me that my supervision was cancelled; she walked over to me and said “Oops, I messed up … no, I didn’t.” Supervisor double-booked my weekly supervision time at 3pm with an interview; did the same thing following Wednesday at October 16th.
  • Friday October 4th Supervisor hung up on when I was calling to consult about a client; claimed to never receive my text message – I can refute this by checking my cell service provider.
  • Monday October 21st During Group Supervision: Supervisor stated I needed to have all 10 packets for the month due in to her by the end of following day, this is a soft deadline that no one else on the therapy team has to comply to; other team members in session were not told to submit by a particular day, and they have less than 10 packets. Other soft deadlines have been established for packets as the 25th, and company hard deadline is the last day of the month.
  • Wednesday October 23rd Supervisor tells me during individual supervision that I’m “snooty” and “maybe this isn’t the right place for you” regarding difficulties with my two laptops not functioning well with the company’s electronic medical record system which runs on Internet Explorer 8 (and the two laptops automatically update; currently running on IE10). I admit that I’m not polite when pressed for a hard deadline which is really a soft-deadline. Supervisor admitted that “[HV] and I decided that everyone should turn in their packets on the Monday before they’re due”. Her job as a supervisor is to inform her team of this decision; She did not. She threatened my job security over notes. Then she proceeded to congratulate me on my billing for the previous week. Supervisor stated “you’re not the only one with skeleton notes” but only tells me “maybe this isn’t the right place for you.” Additionally, supervisor states “You need to find a way to get a new computer” because she’s so intimately acquainted with my finances to tell me what to do with my money right after she threatens to have me fired. Supervisor stated I needed to work on being able to trust her and communicate.
  • supervisor pushes all of us on the team to make more than productivity, which is 1560; I informed supervisor that if I got 19 hours for previous week that I had made productivity; she stated “but you brought everyone else up”. So? if company policy is 1560, then stop talking to me like I’m delinquent for not having some magical number that upper management isn’t concerned with.
  • Monday October 28th, Supervisor stated in group supervision at 9:30am that “packets are due today at noon” which was verified with QA and supervisor’s own supervisor.

Me vs Roomie

I cleaned kitchen and 1 furball’s cage. I made bread, and remembered to take chicken out of freezer. I hiked 4.53mi in two hours exactly. Got home to bake said bread, cook/roast said chicken.

She’s struggling not to be depressed & spent the day in bed. Please pray for her.

I’m not trying to sound cruel, I’ve had my share of clinical depression, anxiety and quasiPTSD. I worked on my stuff to take back control of my life, and figured out what parts of my life God totally owns.