Amoris Laetitia

I have started to read it, about a chapter per day. The way my brain works is I analyze each sentence within itself, and within the paragraph.

Reading this is probably bad for my health.

Chapter 1 didn’t have much to pick at since it’s Scripture. Oh, Chapter 2, why ….!

Want to see what I plastered all over my facebook page? LOL

Unlike the rest of my FB feed, I’m slowing reading Amoris Laetitia. This is in paragraph 36:

“We need a healthy dose of self-criticism. Then too, we often present marriage in
such a way that its unitive meaning, its call to grow in love and its ideal of mutual assistance are overshadowed by an almost exclusive insistence on the duty of procreation.”

It’s not an Ideal, it’s what God has called us to do, if called to the vocation of marriage: to be of mutual assistance to each other, dying of self in service of the other spouse. An Ideal cannot be obtained, but if marriage is lived according to it’s vows, in the meanest sense, I fail to see how the “ideal” cannot be anything but achieved. And secondly, it is not I, or you, who informed our First Parents, and thus by continuation to ourselves [if this does not apply to us, then neither does the stain of original Sin], “be fruitful and multiply”. God said thus, and it is so.

[36]”At times we have also proposed a far too abstract and almost artificial theological ideal of marriage, far removed from the concrete situations and practical possibilities of real families. This excessive idealization, especially when we have failed to inspire trust in God’s grace, has not helped to make marriage more desirable and attractive, but quite the opposite.”

What is the difference between an Ideal family and a Real family? I see idealized families on television, but I see Real ones depicted in all 73 books of the Holy Bible: I’ve seen stories of old couples who’ve never strayed from each other (Book of Tobit), wives leaving husbands due to hardship (i.e. Job), let’s split hairs when it comes to David, or his son, Solomon and all his concubines. No, theological foundations of family are not squared up. Secondly, to expound that the families depicted in the Bible are far-removed from the “possibilities of real families”, I have to wonder what this means. If I may step aside for a moment and say: There is a concept I teach my families – if you create the expectation their daughter/son/spouse will arise to the occasion; it will be difficult and successive failures until the goal is met – Yet how many of us boast of our failures? Assuredly, St. Paul tells us to do so, but in the context of God’s grace. However to merit God’s grace we need to be cooperating with Him! This paragraph suggests to me that we ought to consider ourselves as meritorious without having to change anything. To call God’s call to holiness excessive…!

“We also find it hard to make room for the consciences of the faithful, who very often respond as best they can to the Gospel amid their limitations, and are capable of carrying out their own discernment in complex situations. We have been called to form consciences, not to replace them.”

Is this Eau d’ Kasper?

“Yet we have often been on the defensive, wasting pastoral energy on denouncing a decadent world without being proactive in proposing ways of finding true happiness. Many people feel that the Church’s message on marriage and the family does not clearly reflect the preaching and attitudes of Jesus, who set forth a demanding ideal yet never failed to show compassion and closeness to the frailty of individuals like the Samaritan woman or the woman caught in adultery.”

I am so confused. In the upper portion of [38], he’s discussing how there are good, faithful Catholics who are able to attend Mass on the minimum of Sunday Mass, Reconciliation once per year during the Easter season, and remain faithful to their vows. Yet, he devolves into saying this is not a possibility for all. How so? There is marriage, religious life or priesthood, and consecrated virginity. Those are the choices for vocation (seems generous since the Protestants only offer the vocation of marriage). Let’s devolve into the ever-shifting world of emotions (think I’m qualified to speak on the level here?). People (Who precisely?) feel (uh-huh) that the Church’s (aka Christ’s message) on marriage and Family doesn’t reflect that of Jesus. Wait, what? A house divided does not stand! If there is a problem with the understanding of what marriage and family is supposed to be and it’s not supported, perhaps it’s because you’ve got the Gay Mafia running the pulpit? Or priests who are more concerned about keeping the lights on and passing the money basket than preaching the truth, the hard truth. You know what Christ did to the woman caught in adultery? He absolved her Sin – and then told her NOT TO FORNICATE OUTSIDE OF HER MARITAL VOWS EVER AGAIN. Go, sin NO MORE. That’s not fleshly compassion. That’s spiritual compassion – keeping her from eternal damnation.

“We need to find the right language, arguments and forms of witness that can help us reach the hearts of young people, appealing to their capacity for generosity, commitment, love and even heroism, and in this way inviting them to take up the challenge of marriage with enthusiasm and courage.”

Ugh ….. You mean with the language, you use, Pope Francis? You’re so focused on being “open” and “moderns” and “accepting” that you actually lose people; no that’s too loose a phrase: You lose SOULS. We have witness. We have arguments – Tommy Aquinas just wasn’t thorough enough for you? Generosity – you mean how CRS has coupled with people glorifying in their sin; how the West refuses to aid countries for not accepting the West’s cultural imperialism?

You’ve spoke, Pope Francis, of marriage being an unattainable ideal – why would you send a mixed message- of accepting the challenge? Challenges are achievable. A marathon is a challenge. I cannot go out and complete one tomorrow because I have not trained for it. However, if you create the impression in our youth that they can be chaste until marriage, then they will meet it. Show them how instead of shying from that challenge and showing instead how to put a condom on a banana (speaking of unrealistic expectations, but I digress). You’re right in saying the Church has failed, but you’re wrong to insinuate that because the pulpit and evangelization has failed that we ought to limp into the hands of cultural damnation.

[41] Marital problems are “often confronted in haste and without the courage to have patience and reflect, to make sacrifices and to forgive one another. Failures give rise to new relationships, new couples, new civil unions, and new marriages, creating family situations which are complex and problematic for the Christian life”.17 [emphasis mine]

If one is speaking of the “Christian life”, I hardly think images of divorce, separation, civil unions, “new” marriages (one marriage ’til death, no?) come to mind. Those are the images of the world, the unsaved, the heathen/pagan, and damned.


I need to stop reading this. I’m reading it like a tired social worker who wanted to be an academic.

Maybe I’ll be less expressive of my angst tomorrow … Ha!



Same Old Poop

I know the answers to the unspoken questions that pull tears from my eyes.  I know not to ever ask ever again “When will it stop?” I came as I promised Monday  evening to pick up some food and the old food processor and juicer. She was upset, I guess I was too precisely on time. I said, “I’m here” and the response was “Oh, okay. Whatever.” Dad’s response to me was don’t start anything. Me? I came on time. I came as promised. She’s mad when I come, when I don’t visit.

I can’t entertain the crazy.

Flashback with Trigger Warning

As some of you know, I suffer from PTSD. I grew up in a home environment that was religiously, emotionally, physically and verbally abusive. I’m going to repost below a post from Xanga. It’s not clean, or pretty; unedited for grammatical errors. Consider this your trigger warning.

For several weeks in a row now, in my quiet time (hence I don’t spend much time in silence or reflection) all I hear/think is the repetitive statements my mother made on Saturday, September 12, 2009:

There is never a spiritually dull moment in my parent’s house.

Saturday I went out with my friends to Source and Summit, a young adult event in Alhambra CA.  They offer praise and worship, food and social mingling, a speaker, Adoration, Rosary, and Divine Mercy.  I love going, and always learn something with Christ Jesus.  I opened up to Him, admitted what He already knows about me: that I can’t fathom unconditional love; that He and Mary will never scrunch up their noses at me in spiritual disgust.  There is nothing I can ever do that would remove their love for me.  And then I renewed my personal promise-vow to God and Christ.
My parents went out to a Lobester Festival in a nearby port city and apparently had a blast.
Sunday, as I had gotten home late as did my parents, they debated whether they were going to attend Mass with me.  Dad and I went to Mass, mom went to garage sales.  She came home after we did from Mass, around 1pm.  She wasn’t in the best mood, but it wasn’t also the worst.  She cried a lot and ranted a bit.  Then somehow it escalated.  I don’t remember why or what she was going on about, but it just erupted all of a sudden.  She raved  about me being Catholic, about liking Mass, about the books I have, about dressing conservatively; about my sister and her boyfriend, insulting him saying that he’s retarded (he’s not) and that my sister’s a whore (at least they’re monogamous); that my parents need to divorce, and dad’s dad doesn’t care about him because grampa has a ‘girlfriend’.   How she wants us both dead, how we don’t do anything right.  I don’t do religion right, and my sister isn’t doing the right major in college.  That I need to be told not to attend church as much and that my sister needs to be told that she will be a certain profession and marry a certain someone (i.e., an arranged marriage).
Oh, it didn’t stop there.
She came into my room and demanded to know why I wear a chapel veil all the time; I don’t do it when she’s present.  Why I feel compelled to “carry on a relationship with a nun” and she said it in such a tone to insinuate a lesbinate quality to it.  I denied that as well.  She asked if I was still having an affair with a priest over the internet, which I just flat out denied because its ridiculous.  She got in my face and I thought she was going to pick up my thankfully-empty coffee mug and lug it at me, so I yelled at her to get out.  Then she screamed at me that I had no right to tell her to “get out of my own house.”  Just get the frig out of my room was my intention.  Eventually it moved into their bedroom where dad had to restrain her, and dad and I debated above her yelling (all the windows are open as its 75+ degrees) whether to call paramedics or just Gramma.  Meanwhile, she’s spitting on me and dad and calling me a bitch with absolute hatred and fanaticism on her face.  I’m looking down on her, and it’s feeling odd because I’m scared, hesitating, and suddenly thinking of whether this is how Christ would handle the situation.  Anyway, she’s screaming how she wants me gone, out of the house.  That she doesn’t want to look at me.  That she won’t take anything I give her, even if its her meds.  Eventually, she bargains that she’ll calm down and take her meds if I get out of the room (dad called me in there) and don’t call 911.
She took 2 valium, and that calmed her down, but she was still irate.  Then Gramma came over and we attempted to have a family discussion, but it’s hard when one person in the room is nearly psychotic and demands trust from you, but denies the worth of your word.  Many things were discussed, but she wanted me to denouce “relations” with nuns and priests; its a falsehood, so all I did was deny her lies about me.  She wanted me to denouce the chapel veil; I sorta did, but I’m still wearing it to daily Mass, and I make sure no one there knows me.  I might have to start switching churches again.  And she wanted me to denouce thinking about religious life.  I said that I was no longer thinking about it; an outright lie on my behalf.  But I’m not considering it, I’m accepted and working towards it.  She said that it was okay for me to be a religious person, but listed all these constraints.  And as the conversation moved on she insinuated that she was the one who was wrongfully on Ativan, Xanax, Clonapem, and Wellbutrin, and pointedly looked at me and asked “Who do you think is psychologically disturbed?  who should be on medications?”  Then she tried to attack my sister who wasn’t even there to defend herself!
It goes on a bit, but Monday morning she was embarassed at the memory of her actions and supposedly wanted to apologise; but only if I apologised for asking her to get out of my room.  I declined.  She is concerned about how she appeared, not the things she said, not the insults, not the distrust, etc.  I’m not apologizing, I did no wrong.
I cannot get the “You bitch. You bitch. You bitch.” out of my head.
originally posted on Friday Sept 18, 2009 at 12:38am


I’ve noticed something, when I read the blogs of other women who have entered religious life, and leave their blog running for the sake of future readers, education, information, to say “I was here”, &c. All their blogs are explicitly religious. If something unsavory occurred at work, they don’t mention it on their page. If some dismal words were exchanged between mother and daughter prior to entering, then it’s not shared. It brings to mind a saying of St. Josémaria Escriva, that he disliked the candy-coated appearing statutes of Mary, as though she were made of baking paste to be sat atop a cake.

Am I on display, on a cake, to make you like me? Am I to be all sweet and nice, and you to never see my rough edges? Am I to appear saintly?

No. NO. NO!

I’m not here to say, “Hey! I have a vocation to religious life.” Or “I’m already holy and perfect, please accept me!”


I’m a mess. I’m human. I fall all the bloody time. I lie. I drink. I own 5” cherry red stiletto heels. I like loud music. I like whiskey & single malt scotch. I have the things that land me in the Confession line every 3-4 weeks. I think mean thoughts.

I’m not here for you to like my posts. I’m not here seeking to promote a pretty picture. I put up posts like “Puddle of Power” every once in a while because that’s my reality. This is my blog, and I’ll put here what I dam well please.


That would be a farce. Farces don’t go anywhere. They spin ‘round; milling and dawdling. Farces tailspin; crash and burn, spurned.

Religious life isn’t about farces or candy-coated lives. It’s about what is needed most to save your Soul. My Soul. Recall, each day you have God to thank & serve, a Soul to save; Heaven to gain, Hell to lose. These truths aren’t obtained on the days that things have passed well, the days that are respites; rather, the days that are difficult. The days when you have a puddle of power, and you can wallow in it, or bypass the puddle knowing that it will dry up at some point. I need religious life to get my anti-morning-person-butthead into Mass every morning, to pray my daily Rosary, to maintain the daily prayerful conversation with Christ; a steady balance of work, pray, play. God calls you to unity with Him; and He calls me as well. We are called differently, as are the life paths. However, what doesn’t differ is our sinfulness.

Concisely, I’m not pure religion & prayer all day, every day. My blog should be a reflection of my reality.