High Price for Vocation

I’m approxiamately 2 weeks away from submitting my application for entrance to the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist. I’m waiting to set up a time with my Spiritual Director to review it and get the physical exam done as well.

After that, I can send it in.

Of course, there’s a but to be expected. I know that if God can handle my salvation, He can handle $46,700 in student loans.

I know of two resources:

But are there others? Are there certain patron Saints I could appeal to?


Life so Far

Classes are done for the summer, back in May, actually. Since then I have looked and looked for a job. I finally was employed at the end of June at two retail stores. However, sales are so low and business slow that my hours have been cut and I’m lucky to even work two days a week at one job, and get 4 hours paid at the other.

In the meantime, I’m working in the small vegetable garden or sewing. What am I sewing? bits and pieces of many different quilts. I’m in the process of quilting the one for grandma, sewing the one for grandpa and a bunch of other projects. Why the rush? Well, if I get accepted to the SMMEs, I won’t be able to quilt any longer. I’ve got a lot of quilts to finish up for family members and fabric to use up. There’s a clear possibility that I wont be able to make all the quilts with the fabric I’ve planned, so tonnes of little scrap quilts are being made. For grandpa I’ve made a scrappy Double Wedding ring; grandma an “amethyst” in green tones; mom Cathedral windows, which she doesn’t know is for her but has declared that she does not like it. Too bad, its all in pink and cream colors for her. Dad and my sister I still have to figure out. Dad will likely get the kalidescope and monkey, I’ll scrape something up. The one on the right, is just a scrap with blues, greens (melon is the light one), and browns. I thought I would use up all the fabric I had, but I didn’t. Will probably make a second scrappy one. This one pictured is only 38″ x 38″.

Going camping this weekend and then in August will be going to Cancun with the family. On Aug 18th I’m due for jury duty and on the 25th classes resume.

Vocation-wise: I have registered for the fall retreat Nov 8-9th with the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist (SMMEs). I’ve told my dad about my discernment now. He seems ambivalent about it. He appears to be hoping that I’ll go in November to the convent retreat, find out what it’s really like and get back on track (date, marry, have kids, etc). In the meantime, I’m hanging out with a seminarian since he can’t find work and my work hours suck. We talk about God, screwed up families, etc. all that fun stuff. Mom found out about it last week after we walked a couple miles on the beach strand and made fun of me the rest of the day (“why don’t you hang around someone you can actually date?” “you don’t want to be a nun, do you?”). Ha, good times.

I’ve also switched parishes. I no longer attend Mass at St John Fisher unless I can’t help it. I now attend Ss. Peter and Paul Church which is much more conservative, in union with Rome, adheres to the GIRM, and well, actually looks like a church. I may even give and buy a chapel veil (not necessary), but it’ll come in handy for when I do attend the TLM. I try to attend Bible study once a week at St James, and I have a spanish classes that runs once a week for six weeks (this week will be my last).

And that’s my life in a nutshell.

Life After Midterms

Three out of four projects done isn’t too bad. It’s been emotionally exhausting and I can barely think, at least not critically. To illustrate, I’m usually the life of Bible study, but not tonight.

But God knows me all too well and has used this moment when I was tired and doubting the use of my Lenten fast to bring me back to Him. I’ve never left Him since returning in 2005, but we all have those little moments when we pray “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.”

So I was praying the Rosary in front of the Blessed Sacrament and I did not want to pray for the end of abortion again, so it came to me that I should pray for chastity which would help end abortion by another avenue. God really used that moment to help me realize how much I am going to follow through on my discernment and enter religious life. He helped me see again how much I enjoy being His.

Now to explain why chastity is at the top of my mind: a friend of mine at the school of social work knows that I want to be a sister/religious, and she thinks that I could take social work to really re-vamp the abstinence programs because it’s such a beautiful thing. Then I was finishing up the curriculum vitae that Fr. Thomas had asked me to write so he’d have something to talk to me about when I meet him for spiritual direction. I wanted to say that I wasn’t attracted to marriage at all, that I like being chaste.

God really spoke to my heart during the Rosary and I ended up laughing for several moments in front of Him, in an empty church!

Oh, it’s been a great day. Especially since then I’ve heard back from Fr. Thomas and I’ll be meeting him tomorrow for the first time. I’m really excited, although I don’t quite know what to expect


Next Tuesday I have a midterm exam that will give a case vingette and I will have to apply:

  1. social systems theory
  2. ecological perspectives theory
  3. psychoanalytic theory
  4. ego psychology
  5. object relations theory
  6. attachment theory

I am well versed in attachment theory, but I do need to brush up on it. I have been working on Object relations theory all day, and I have about 5 pages of typed notes thus far. I have further to go. However I really do dread the aspect of ego psychology and psychoanalytic theory.

Next Thursday I have a policy paper where I have to apply AB 490 to my field practicum. Easy enough, I’m just frustrated with my lack of resources – I’m so used to have too many references and citations that I feel rather lost on how to start this paper (I love literature reviews in journal articles).

Here’s what object relations is (briefly, I promise!):

OBJECT RELATIONS is the process of internalizing the images of objects and understanding the impact this has on personality and interpersonal relationships. In other words, an infant internalizes the mother as a “good object” or a “bad object” (ie, good/bad breast), and then uses the internalized construct of the object to inform further relationships and personality.

Contemporary Object Relations“Object relations theory describes internal mental representations of relationships between self and other rather than actual external interpersonal relationships” (Applegate). The theory cannot ignore the importance of process and context. Two patterns emerge from the intrapsychic reality of process and experience: self-representations and object-representations; these are later formed into enduring relationships.Child must internalize the self and have reliable caregivers to allow the child to feel secure when the primary caregiver is absent. Object relations impacted by culture, family formation, race and ethnicity, and child rearing practices; may remove one or more particular of object relations theory (ie, transitional objects or separation anxiety).

Spitz thought that infants develop these pathologies from psychic disruptions in critical periods. Normally, infants are ambivalent towards the mother/object upon realizing that the bad object and good object are one entity; this unifying of the libidinal object is fusion, the lack of fusion leads to pathology.

On the other hand, Margaret Mahler worked with psychotic and autistic children. She rephrases object relations as the way an infant’s basic ego organizes during the first 3.5 years of life. Infant has to differentiate between the self and the (m)other (ie, “me” and “not me”).

ad infinitum (correct?)

Please be patient with me. I’m so busy that I can only write at one blog site, so once I finish the one I’m working on, I’ll post it here.

I think I might actually like this research paper I have to do…not sure I like policy though. So much to do. Hyper: sleep deprived & 2+ cups of coffee. So, when I’m writing this the voice in side my head is like a munchkin … keeps life interesting. =)