See the problem with my sugar snap peas? Guess I have to eat them quickly this week. Good deal, though, from the 99¢ store. I view them as a harbinger of spring. 75°F feels like summer.
I was hoping to sit by the bank of windows, their light murky and scattered by years of grime. Ceiling tiles overhead have been removed to reveal years of dry, and maybe, wet rot. A spare classroom. Used for students who need extra testing time, the afterschool program’s space to complete homework, or on Wednesdays where I unglamorously provide mental health services to kids. Here I sit across the room next to the electrical outlet to charge the phone.
The sound of students reaches me: running in the halls, shoving each other in the cafeteria line, the dull thud of soccer balls. I try not to think about who sits alone at lunch or who is bullying to the point of being sent to the principle’s office.
I want to sit against the window pane. Instead, I stare at the little table at which I do all my work covered by my lunch bag and coffee mug, the EBP model booklet, coloring pencils, collage materials &c. The vestiges of last cling to me: dry eyes and a headache, perhaps a resurgence of a pinched nerve; more likely holiday dread. My own, but also the kids whose heads swim with financial dreams their parents can’t meet; dreams of hover boards, happiness, fully attentive parents, family trips.
I’ll hold them, but Jesus, are you holding them too?
Get used to the elevator music.
I’ve been studying for my LCSW exam. I want to take the law and ethics portion as soon as it’s available in January 2016, then the clinical portion sometime in the spring. I put off getting the license because I thought I’d be in the convent by now. One of the ways I’m motivating myself too study is by only sewing on the weekends if I’ve converted and can explain a new study area/chapter. Initially there was a decrease in all frivolous ventures which led to unrelenting anxiety. Therefore no moratoriums on leisure.
Teaching myself embroidery has led to this:
Secondly, I’m job hunting. I’m interested in places that are partially clinic based, and less field time (so damn tired of driving everywhere). I still want to work among the low SES population, and continue developing my bilingual skills (I’m frustrated by it, yet have some ego employed in the venture). A diversity of cases should be available in the position, which has led to applications filed with the VA, substance abuse, eating disorders, &c. Since there’s no convent in my near future, I need a career, not a passing job position, which is the state I’m currently in. I asked for a raise in October and was told “We’ll see.” This is corporate-ese for “No.” My supervisor is a aware of my hunting, having been listed as a reference. This is about being able to have savings, put food on the table AND live comfortably. To be able not only to take time off from work, but afford going somewhere! I haven’t been on a vacation in more than four years, and the vacations I’m referring to were camping trips.
I went hiking this past weekend for 2 hours (hiked 4 miles). I like to hike the hard way in and the easy way out, that way I get my exercise in, my rest period with a snack, and some creating (i.e. photography, drawing, thinking), and lastly my cool-down period. On the way back to the parking lot along the deteriorating fire-road, just past the ruins of the Keller cabin, the wind died down. The woodpeckers stopped jostling their brains. I stopped and then I heard it, the rustling of the leaves like a ball was rolling in the brush. I looked closely, and saw this guy ^ gliding on by. He/She’s a rattlesnake, about 3 feet long but not very thick, and the rattler didn’t look very well formed.
The imagery and experience of watching a snake in the grass seems to be a good metaphor of how the month of August has been for me: I was on a monastic visit and I don’t know what to make of my experience; my Spiritual Director quit; gossip at work encouraging/pressuring me to date a male colleague; slanderous gossip at work on a different matter which is abhorrent in nature, & more. As it is late in the month, I’m getting to the point of just watching the snake in the grass. I take a step closer because I’m curious, but I use my zoom lens to get a better look. I stand around to make sure it goes into it’s hole in the ground, and I go on my way. I’m just watching all this “danger” come at me and I’m TRYING to let it pass.
My thoughts since learning of the slanderous gossip at work are as follow:
- if you have the luxury of enough time to conjure such abysmal stories about me, perhaps you need more clients.
- I only speak negatively of the people who’ve done me wrong (i.e. my direct supervisor calling me a lesbian).
- I’ve been honest about my family, why make up more horrific stories – the truth isn’t enough?
(verbal & physical abuse)
- Do you actually desire that kind of trauma to be upon me?
- Is this a reaction to the fact that I’ve made statements that I’m Catholic and therefore will not have strange unmarried men spend the night in my apartment?
- Is this a reaction to the fact I’ve stated numerous times that I do not date people at work?
- Is this a reaction to the fact I’ve stated “I’m Catholic”?
- Driving into work today, I’m was still furious. I frequently talk to myself in the car at times like this. I explained to myself that my life does not exist to please you, to appease you. I am not standoffish about sex, but I will not engage in sex outside of marriage, I will not masturbate, I will not procure abortions or contracept. Not because I’m afraid of sex, but that these are the teachings of the Catholic Church. If I did not want to have to follow these teachings, I’d go find a religion that does fit my thoughts. For example, if I thought children should not be baptized prior to the age of reason, I’d be a Baptist, if I thought modernity were completely of the Devil, I’d be Mennonite. However, these are man-made constructs. I’m Catholic because that is the Church Christ established through Simon-called-Peter/Cephas. If I were to run around to find a religion that fit me, that wouldn’t be Faith, it’d be Pride. I’m Catholic, I follow what Mother Church teaches since She can only speak the truth of God. I don’t attend the Church of You wherein there’s practices of masturbation, abortion, contraception, fornication, emotional extra-marital affairs, loose associations, and Soul-selling for a few moments pleasure: Let’s see, maybe 20 minutes of sex in exchange for eternity in Hell, or I can forego sex outside of marriage between the ages of 13 to 30ish, and have better hopes of going to Heaven. I submit to God. My life is created for the glory of God. I’m made by & for God, so I’m Catholic. I follow what God teaches through His established Church. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.
- If you’ve never had the experience of seeing a real bonafide Catholic and that scares you to the point of committing slander and defamation, I don’t think I need to say which situation is more foolish.
- I don’t want to know who this person / whom these people are. Really, I don’t. I’ll lose so much respect for them. I’d loathe calling them colleagues. Their minds are pure filth. Additionally, knowing your name(s) opens you up to a lawsuit.
same as before: kitten found at office; 4 week old male; black fur except for small patch on chest and rear left paw. He has been to vet to get checked; got wormed.