Vocational Update 3? or 4? Who knows?

I’ve been quiet about this – at least in the details. I will continue to be quiet until more is understood. I first wrote a letter to a monastery in June, and have been slowly gaining in communication since then via email and phone calls. I will be visiting a monastery from Thursday August 7th through Sunday August 10th. In lieu of a stipend to stay at the guest house, I’ll be working with the sisters for a few hours each day. If I’m really diligent and finalize the vocation questionnaire, I may be able to speak with the Novitiate during recreation one evening.

I’ve told my spiritual director, and three additional friends, the specific details. My parents are not aware. My sister, once she reads this blog post will know precisely the information that is here and nothing more. How come? What happens when you spread your business everywhere – is anything respected? Is it honored? Is it accepted? I’ll bet you a student loan that the answer is ‘No’. Everyone runs roughshod all over your thoughts, your desires, God’s desires for you, and so forth; suddenly everything is up for debate.

In my previous experience in trying to enter the DSMMEs (Thank goodness I did not; I loathe teaching.) I was told a great number of things:
~ we should use this to get more drinks at the bar
~ you’re a lesbian
~ you’re a disgrace
~ you’re neglecting your responsibility
~ you’re throwing your life away
~ do you know how other women will touch you?
~ what about sex?
~ you should go do all the things that you can’t do once you enter
~ that’s a blessing
~ you’ll save your family
~ what grace

See how the vast majority of responses are negative and bitter? How focused they are on an erroneous thought that I’m losing something when I enter religious life. Rather, consider what I gain, in a non-materialist way: God. I have Him. All of Him. His full and complete attention. I get to respond to His love for me in a unique way, a way that I was created to do. I have the ability to work in cooperation with God.

This world will kill you; it will kill me. It will slay me to death with pride, lust, sloth/laziness, anger, greed, gluttony. I do not choose this world. I was born in the world at the time God wanted me to exist here, but He did not make me or you to be immersed in it to the extent that you can lose yourself in it. He bought you and me at the price of His Son’s Flesh, Blood, Soul and Divinity hanging tattered and exsanguinated on a Roman cross at the behest of the Jewish elders.

Keep me in your prayers, I’ll pray for you – you can leave requests in the comment box or you can (I think?) email or message me.

Family

Can be attricious.

The situation: My roomate made plans beginning of May to move out and did so this past Sunday. I’m swinging rent in excess of $1500 by myself for August. I’ve found a place to share with coworker for total $1265. That’s a savings of $150/month for me.

My dad offered financial assistance last week. I held off & he retracted it Sunday morning. Then he had buyers remorse, and called me today. He wants me to stay at current place, which I csnnot afford with my student debt & car loans. I can’t afford to eat at this point.

His thought is that I submitted paperwork to Sallie Mae to adjust my loans & is counting my chickens before they hatch. Yet SM hasn’t responded yet.

If you withdraw support, don’t you think the horse will stop pulling the cart, and kick you? Especially when you tease the horse?

The Problem with Roommates

I used to be friends with my current roommate: go out clubbing, dinners together, drunk shopping, etc. We were good enough friends to think that moving into an apartment would be okay. I’m sure you’re shaking your heads by now!

I think the charm lasted about a month: she came home at reasonable times, her boyfriend came by but kept it decent, she washed and put away her dishes. Then she began to stay away more evenings than she slept in her own bed, would not take out the trash or even replace the bag.

She used me for therapy on more than one occasion, until I switched it up on her – I don’t work with adults for a reason: all therapeutic suggestions I made were based on what I would do at work (i.e. collages, art, symbolism, playdoh) and she stopped asking. I told her that she needs to find her own therapist; she complained about the cost until I pointed out to her that she can find someone covered by her plan, which was met with more hemming and hawing. As of last month she was having arguments with her boyfriend, shouting about how she’s not using him as her therapist. I turned on the white noise machine after that.

You’ve heard the story of the chunky mold in the soda can, right? Well, you have if you’re an in-the-flesh friend or coworker. I cleaned the den, kitchen, my bathroom from floor to ceiling; while I was sorting the recycleables, a can from her room felt like it was full of liquid, so I tried to dump it in the sink…chunky green mold.

We had a talk about many things after that weekend: she needs to tell me about the electricity and internet bills (her response, why didn’t you bring this up before? Doll, it’s your bill, therefore your responsibility) . Or taking out the trash – which she still doesn’t do. Airing out her room ….nope hasn’t worked on that either. She wants to move out on her own – but she’s never been on her own even when she has her own place; instead spends a lot of time with whoever’s her boyfriend at the moment.

Leaves me in a pickle since I can’t afford this place on my own, unless I eat Ramen every day. She says she won’t leave me stranded, but seriously? I’ve heard “I’ll clean” and “I’ll air it out” &c.  She suddenly wants to help me and list the place on Craigslist. But when we moved in here, she dragged her feet and couldn’t get the last place cleaned (whoops?) without requesting an additional week. I don’t have those kinds of funds – to pay rent on one place as I move my stuff out and put a deposit on a new one.

What’s it take to find a clean and respectful roommate?

Flickering shadows

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Some weeks I drag my feet toward my late afternoon/early evening clients for several reasons (i.e. diagnosis, family negating course of treatment, complexity), and yesterday I was actually looking forward to my afternoon cases for these same reasons. I can understand trauma, depression and anxiety. I’ve got cool things to do with kids in session to help them express fears and emotions; provide information that they aren’t alone. Something sticks with each session and they slowly grow, slowly improve.

I entered a school campus today, signed in at the front desk, and the principal addressed me about “our little friend” who has gotten into trouble yet again (at least 3x/week) for disrupting other classes by playing “ding-dong ditch”. If this little guy isn’t pranking, he’s tripping, pushing, or shoving others; he’s got some fire-setting incidents under his belt, too; violating physical boundaries (examples omitted) of classmates, legal guardians, and family members. This morning was the whipped cream and cherry. It was only 10:20am.

Let’s back up to yesterday (Monday) afternoon I listen as the child’s legal guardians recount how the kid grabbed one of them by their wrists and shoved into him/her; tore at his/her clothes. All because they were out in the community and the child would have to wait until they returned home to have access to a new toy. He would have to wait at least 30 minutes, and that is what makes him angry, and dangerous.

Thank goodness we have upcoming auxiliary services being implemented because impulsivity on this level makes for more shadows and worry than I’d like. And the sprinkles on top of it all was a comment from a higher-up in management told me to consider why the child does this, when I need to address the emergent issues of caregiver safety.