ASH #9: A bet with God

God, a deity, who is supposed to be bigger, badder and better than me, or you. I suppose because I’ve never seen him. Although I have a tome of 73 books that I read at breakfast & dinner that tells me so. Yet (most) of these authors don’t see Him either. I’m hopelessly falling into the David vs. Goliath cliche with this, but I’ve got enough vinegar to not care. Oh, you don’t care for vinegar….some vodka then? Dern not vodka, fine yo-yo, I’ll give you single malt scotch whiskey. So yeah, this quiet social worker with her scotch takes on God. Lemme back up for a minute, I wasn’t always a social worker or a scotch imbiber, those come with time. But a bet with God, the one and only Deity in my life, shot that’s just tomfoolery. Yet, I made it. I was fresh out of life (like that feeling you have when you’re out of tp and you gotta go?). How in tarnation I was standing, breathing or moving…must’ve been God’s Will ‘cuz it sure as heck not mine. Nosiree in 2005, living took too much effort. My mind & craw were jammed full of other thoughts like pills, death, funerals and what color roses would cover a fresh mound of dirt. God would have it that I practically wander into the funeral Mass for someone I once knew, and make a bet – more like a threat:

I’m giving you one last chance. It better be good, because I can’t live like this. If it’s not good, I’m gone. I’ll leave you for good.

Er, what? Some chick blackmailed God. If He wanted/wants me, He’ll have to come and get me. Otherwise I’d crossover to the not-so Catholic side of things. It’s hard to tell who’s winning, but I’ll let Him claim it.

little miss sunshine

my thoughts don’t feel safe to share. the less i dwell, the less ‘i feed the animals’ the less it claws and tears at me
          gloom ‘n’ doom. self pity is hell. no wonder i dont explore it very often. reality
i’ll keep myself as safe as possible. i’ll try to drive the speed limit. i’ll try to eat. i’ll try not to cut

If you want/need a promise, I’ll give you what we did in school social work:


The 3+ people I promise to call: Eman, Lisa, and anyone else who’ll listen & my most recent former therapist
I promise not to kill myself.  I will try my best not to hurt myself (i.e., cutting) but don’t feel safe/able to ensure my word at this time.  If I start thinking of hurting myself in a grayish area between self-injury & suicide I will hand over my booze, migraine medication, PMS meds, excedrin OTCs and Alieve over to a trusted friend for at least one week; along with all my sharp objects (nail cutters, scissors, sewing pins & needles, metal emery board, hand mirrors, and anything else I find a temptation).  I will avail myself to counseling services on campus; may even return to my most recent ex-therapist in Huntington.  If I feel like I’m going to break my promise, I’ll find the cop who stands 24/7 sentry at the Hawthorne cliffs and submit to a 5150 (that’s what he’s there for; that’s why people go to the Hawthorne cliffs).

Re-post from March 3, 2010

For me, it’s better to feel physical pain than the emotional pain.  I can only handle so much emotional pain in my life, and it triggers memories, which only add to the pain.  So, while others self harm to release pain, I do it to feel a type of pain that has an observable, curable cause.  Emotional pain will always be there, always there under the surface waiting for some one, thing, event to dredge it all up again.  But physical pain, it gets healed and goes away; it is forgotten.
And for the people out there who think self injury is a suicidal gesture, that’s not true; you need to go read more psychological literature.  Besides, if I really wanted to kill myself, I’ve already had 5 depressive episodes in the past 12 years.  I’ve had my chance, I never took it.

my reasons:
I feel selfish
I always take and never give
I have nothing to offer, especially God
If I have anything to give, it’s something that God has already given to me.  I can’t claim anything as truly my own.
I never add up
She will never love me
She will never see me as a separate entity, worthy of dreams and desires and wants, etc apart from herself
I never fulfill half the obligations I say I’ll do for other people; including prayer
I’m a hypocrite
I constantly fail
I’m tired of failing
I’m tired of not adding up
I’m a bitch
I’m all sorts of messed up
I don’t want to meet back up with my therapist
I don’t want to have to be honest with my therapist; the last one stabbed me in the back
I’m tired of meeting expectations that are not my own
I’m tired of being unemployed
I’m tired of hiding
I’m tired of her never having remorse
Since I constantly fail, why don’t you just give me Hell since I already live it
I have so much crap going on in my life I can’t hear God
I hate hearing about my ‘worth’; it’s painful
I’m tired of having migraines and tension headaches
I’m tired of missing events to make sure she maintains boundaries
I’m tired of hiding books, prayer cards, and prayer journals as though they are contraband
Why do I have to take care of her?
Why do I have to walk on egg shells to make her happy, but she can stomp all over me?
Why am I invisible?
I’m tired of being constantly reminded of how I cause problems
I’m tired of being constantly talked to as though I’m a child when I’m her adult child
Why does she get to act like she is 5 years old?
I hate recieving praise and compliments because I don’t know what to do with them.
I’m supposed to be entering the convent, but God won’t even give me a f-ing job to enable me to fulfill His will.
I have to lie about where I go for church
I have to make excuses for dressing modestly (but prettily)
I can’t cry – my emotions take a back seat to hers
I can’t be angry at her; I’m supposed to be understanding due to my education and training as a counselor
I’m supposed to provide information but I cannot appear to be intelligent in the matter
I can’t upstage her (i.e., cooking, sewing, intellect, etc)
Tired of living under the unspoken rule of “I’ll love you when you do ____.”
If I try to be my own separate self, its self defeatist
I’m not “up to snuff”
Tired of having to second guess whether something is done simply to be nice or has a motive behind it for later use
[may add more later]

there – all out in the open. now, run for the hills

Sorrowful unto Death

If you were to know me on xanga, you would be puzzled to see a new blog post. Last week I stated that I would not be blogging until I could find myself in a better mood. My mood is improving, but the real break was due to my life experiences and faith, contrasting with someone’s view.

The blogger wrote she found teens and young adults without God in their life to be lost and depressed. She also implied that people of Faith are not depressed because their hope and light is in Jesus.

I can understand where she is coming from, and to a certain extent, I can agree. As a Catholic, and my born-again experience, I can say that I will never commit suicide despite however depressed I may become in the future. However, as you can see in that statement, it cannot be definitively stated in terms of faith, reason, science, chance, &c that depression will be avoided simply because I have faith and salvation in Jesus Christ.

To say such a thing is to deny the origins of depression: (a)physiology, (b)environment (herein, I clarify that to mean geographical), (c)nurturing (partially contributes to Yours Truly), (d)context (I’d say this is what people would more normally think of being ‘environment’).

Physiologically so many things can be depleted or overcompensated by the brain and nervous system, and while I do not pretend to know many things in this area, when levels are too high or too low for various regions, depression may start (along with plenty of other health and mental health concerns). One example would be chemicals that deplete the brain of serotonin, or organic concerns like a brain tumor.

Environmentally speaking, I look at issues like Seasonal affect disorder (SAD), or living in a region where malnutrition is a concern. Without proper vitamins and nutrients, depression (again, along with other health and mental concerns).

Nurturing: what messages, overt and covert, our parents and relatives instill in us. The patterns of communications, rules, mottos, coping, &c that are part and parcel of the family system. For example, adult children of alcoholics grew up with the unspoken family rule of “do not feel; do not trust; and do not talk” and is all about letting other people perceive a happily functioning family, and never be aware that one (or both) parents are chemically addicted or dependent. Or the patterns of thought that are instilled in children who endure emotional or verbal abuse – messages that say they are never good enough and not worthy of true affection that does not cause harm (or children who are physically and/or sexually abused – that they have physical boundaries, respect and dignity). These messages are terribly hard to undo.

Lastly context, I view as those things that play on any of the above components: how one deals with relationships, martial discord, dealing with a cranky (or for that matter, confrontation-shy) supervisor at work; whatever triggers the critical voice in your mind; stress at work or school; low economic status, struggling to determine the difference between making the water and electricity bill, how to find the funds to pay the child care, &c.

All of these things play together, like separate colors mixing while a 3 year old finger paints. Good luck keeping all those separate! Depression can start from any combination, and further exacerbate any concerns in these areas as well. Faith has little to do with it, except for a life-line, a source of hope. Yet, there is always that chance to suicide, and that is simply being in so much pain that you are willing to seek any end to the pain at all. There, we can only hope God will be just, but I’m not about to do as a fellow blogger did and say that my fellow Christians who suffer from depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, are not truly in relationship with our Lord, nor am I to say anything in regards to salvation.