In the past few months, once the last possible application date came and went in January, I’ve become more lonely. Not in the “I want a boyfriend” department, but in the “there’s no one I can turn towards”. Except Christ.
Through the years of discernment I had always heard of people discerning “singlehood”. Prior to moving out of my parents home, I thought I understood that. Living on my own, not accepted by any religious order and not having discerned marriage, I can say that’s not really appropriate. Friendships and weekend activities cannot begin to replace the graces and assistance available through community.
Singlehood is not a vocation, it is a state in life. Like being a parent, it can be part of the vocation of marriage, but it’s not the stopping point.
Very little consoles me in this time of knowing I’m without a community. Personally, community is important because I do not have family support. There is a lot of pressure to enter into marriage by my family, especially now that my sister is engaged. Most of my friends are married and of those, many with children. Others are in religious life.
I don’t fit in.
I try not to cry about it.
The Eucharist is the only time when I’m not upset or unsettled. Only He helps.